Lordy, Lordy. Look Who's 40. (Not Me!)

Couldn't resist the silly title. Anyone that knows me knows age has always been a joke in my life. When I was younger, everyone thought I was older. Now that I'm "older" everyone thinks I'm younger. Growing up most of my friends were older, so I didn't hang out with people my age. And in adulthood, I was (and am) known to hang out at times with my Daddy (before he passed) and his friends. So, whatever. It's a stupid number that means nothing in the general scheme of things.

That being said, I love throwing a party. So -  if you happen to have a boo that has a 40th b-day coming up...

Why not come up with an epic party idea?!

So, I told Steve this: "You don't have a choice that we're going on vacation for your birthday. You only get to choose where." I started researching options, in case he stuck by his "I don't know..." theory. But before I could really commit to a place, he already had an idea. Miami. Turns out, our favorite hockey team was playing the day before his birthday. Then, lo and behold, his favorite NBA team was playing there 3 days later. It was perfect. Plus: a beach! (Those reading this that don't know me... I have a bit... A BIT... of a bikini obsession. OPPORTUNITY.)

So, we started planning. I decided that, while the Braves weren't playing while we were in town, why not take the opportunity to see another MLB stadium? So we added that to the plan. 

Many days of counting down occurred. And finally...

IT WAS TIME!

There are a lot of pictures, and I could bombard this post with them all. But the point is: our week was wonderful as always. Spending time together is always precious. Doesn't matter what we're doing. But doing fun stuff certainly makes it even better. This week, more than ever, made me realize how much I want our life to be forever. Steve just makes everything in my life right. He calms my anxiety. He makes me remember that it's not me against the world. He makes me giggle even when the situation is annoying. Plus, you know, he loves me. 

Slight disclaimer: if you've never been to Miami, I definitely don't recommend it. I didn't expect it to be so run down and stinky. Only chance we ever go back is to see the Dolphins (Steve's fave NFL team) play at home. Other than that: HARD. PASS. 

Shoes, Glorious Shoes! 35 & 36

*This blog was started back in October and never finished. I post it just to explain here*

Honestly? I just scanned my phone to see if I'd missed any shoes since life has been what it has the last year. So these are the "missed" shoes.

I am trying to find myself in this new world. Shoe posts are suffering because of it. I want to get back to my passionate self when it comes to my heels, and I can see it happening. My passion for heels has not died. It's just the drive to do the pictures, blogs, etc. The fact I'm more "this pair is tied to this story" rather than just the shoes and the outfit helps a lot. I do better when I can speak my heart/mind.

That being said, I've waited WAY too long to try and do that with this post.

So I'm posting the shoes and telling you what I think.

Brand: ShoeDazzle Name: Emia

Store Shoedazzle.com

Review: 4" heel. Fits true to size. LOVE these shoes. So girly, but a little sexy as well. I find myself prancing in them. Prancing is always good. 

The wrap dress caps it off! :-) 

Finding a New Way To Be Me

This blog has become something else. A shade of it's former shoe self.

I need to find a new way to be me. It's a struggle. One that really no one but me knows about completely. I can count on (less than) one hand the people that know every place my brain has been in the last two years. And even then, I keep a lot to myself, so as not to burden anyone with my "sad story".

The problem is, my whole life - especially in adulthood, but even as I was young, I have always (admittedly, by my own fault) taken everyone else's problems on myself. Even when they didn't know I was. I would stay up nights, mentally exhausting myself on "How can I help them?" without ever breathing a word to them that I was thinking this, in hopes I could come up with a miracle cure for their issue. And would rarely - usually never - ask for help when I had a problem. I'd go out of my way to find a solution so no one had to be bothered with me. Or would just swallow the problem if it couldn't be resolved, and move on with my day. Super healthy, right?

I am incredibly blessed to be a strong willed/emotionally strong person. People have always told me this, but I never really saw what they meant before. I felt like every time I broke down crying to someone, I was being weak and/or making them "deal" with me when they already had so much going on in their lives to stress over. If I complained about not feeling well, I was just "whining". Seriously. My kidney stone ER visit years back? Other than me spinning a funny story about my adventures that day, and the Percocet loopiness in days to follow - I damn near live-tweeted the passing of the stone - no one knew what hell I went through during all of that. Other than the person I was living with that had to witness it so of course he knew, I fully confided in one person, because he knew what I was going through having lived it himself. My Daddy.

And that brings me to where I am now in life. While I am WELL AWARE I have ugly moments on social media (rage blackouts, as I call them), what people don't realize is they're a minuscule fraction of what has actually happened in my day/week/month. Like you hear about the people that bottle stuff up, then just explode? My rage blackouts are me exploding. That old way Katie did things was definitely not healthy. But I made it work. It was how I had always done things, and when a personal crisis hit, I went into "Save Everyone Else From my Shit" mode.

Times are different.

Too much has happened in the last two years (mainly bad, but some good as well) to change my mental/emotional state, that I have to find a new way to be me. I don't want to change who I am. I want to continue to do everything I can to help family, friends, and co-workers. Mentally, emotionally, financially - whatever I am able to do at the time. But I have to find a way to do this without sacrificing myself. This, without a doubt, is something I have to learn to do myself. It's no one's fault I've not done it in the past. While people may have asked me for help (many didn't), no one EVER asked me to hurt myself/put myself in a bad place in the process. I just have to find my new way.