As You Wish

So, a year ago, I promised you guys a wedding blog. Either I forgot I said that, or life got so busy it MADE me forget that... but somehow, that never happened.

Here we are, a year+ into our marriage, and I am finally going to write it. Now, a recap for those new to the blog: Steve and I have had quite a journey over the last 9 years. We became friends on Twitter, over our love of the Atlanta Braves. When I became single a couple years later, we started talking more often, and our relationship developed. We met for the first time in person in Atlanta, June 2013, when we attended Chipper Jones's number retirement, and have been together ever since.

Steve likes to tell people he proposed 493,876 times - he probably did, but in his version of the story, I turned him down all those times. Truth is, we planned our wedding in October 2013 in a hotel room in Halifax, NS. We knew I was going to move to Canada, so we agreed the wedding would be in Atlanta. Atlanta will ALWAYS be home to me, and is the foundation of us getting together, so it was the perfect location. Little did we know, our immigration journey was going to be a long and bumpy one. November 2018, I FINALLY moved up to Canada on a visa. We got married in a quick justice of the peace ceremony in December so we could put in my permanent resident application. I didn't want to let go of the wedding I'd been planning for over 5 years, so we decided we'd still have the Atlanta wedding, and that would be the day we actually celebrated as our wedding anniversary.

I spent 5 months planning a wedding remotely, and let me tell you - I could not have asked for better vendors than the ones we used. I'll add all of their links at the bottom of this blog, because they deserve any and all business I can bring them. The ONLY part of the planning that was stressful for me, was not being able to see the venue in person. I am ALWAYS in hostess mode, and not knowing exactly where everything was, and how it was laid out (I was given floor plans and pictures, but it's never the same as seeing it in person) was killing me. Having a ridiculously patient venue staff was much appreciated, because I know I can be a lot, at times. I also was stressing over our wedding portraits, not knowing the scenery available to us at the venue. The portraits were EASILY the most important part of the day for me, because we had waited so long, and worked so hard for this moment. Our photog, Katie, was incredible, and made a point to visit the venue months ahead of the wedding to tell me what she saw for pictures. We had a bit of a kerfuffle getting an officiant, and I'm glad we did, because James ended up being the perfect choice for our special day.

I was blessed enough to have my Mama and sister do the flowers and cake for our day, so there wasn't any stress there, since they know me so well. My only stress with that part was making sure they knew how much I appreciated their efforts.

So, the day before the wedding came, and Mama, Gordon (stepdad), and I met at the venue to do a walk through of the venue, and make sure we had a good plan for setup the next day. Our wedding was a small affair, just family and close friends, so there wasn't a big event to prepare for, and seeing it all in person calmed me a lot. Again, the venue staff was so accommodating, and patient with all of my questions.

The prep on the wedding day is a bit of a blur, because it was so crazy. But I have this weird trait, as a SUPER anxious person, to go into calm mode when things are hectic (especially in a party setting, maybe it's the hostess in me?). So I just adjusted with the little curves the day threw at me. I simplified my makeup, was fine that the cake was melting in the heat, didn't care that I forgot some of the decorations in the car, etc. All that mattered to me was that Steve and I were getting our day, finally.

We started with a first look. I love the whole "first look is the walk down the aisle" concept, but since the portraits were so important to me, this gave us a chance to knock most of those out pre-wedding.

Then we came to the ceremony. As my readers know, my Daddy passed away in 2014. So, I knew I needed to have my Mama walk me down the aisle. She means just as much to me as he did. I have been so blessed with the parents (David, Jan, and Gordon) that God has given me, and having them all there, even with one in spirit, meant so much to me. We walked down to Haley Reinhart's version of Can't Help Falling in Love with You, as a nod to my Daddy. He was known to call and sing Happy Birthday to his friends/family as Elvis, so that was my way of including him in the moment.

We had an unplugged ceremony, and I think our guests felt restricted from that, so we have hardly any pictures from the reception (I'd hoped we'd have selfies galore). But the day was PERFECT, and we have amazing memories to last a lifetime. We could not have asked for a better day, and both still comment on the day when we look at the pictures. I mean...

PERFECTION.

If you're looking in the ATL area for wedding vendors:

Photography: Katie Coon Photography

Venue: Lanier Islands

Officiant: James Hamp

Hair: Laura Austin

So This Is Life

So, yesterday was a year. A year that he left us, and heaven gained one of its best angels. For weeks, maybe even months, I prepared myself to be an emotional wreck that day. And yet, when it came, the tears didn't fall. I asked his friends/our family to share happy memories on Facebook so we could all smile and remember everything he meant to us. So I found myself checking Facebook all day to see if anything new had been posted to his timeline. The rest of the day I kept myself busy with things I knew wouldn't have sadness that might trigger a breakdown. So when the day ended and I'd made it through with only a few times of tears welling up, I thought "Huh. Maybe I am actually coming to terms with this."

Then this morning came.

I spent most of my getting-ready-for-work routine crying. Cried most of the way to work. Managed to pull it together, then in speaking with a co-worker that recently lost her Mom, broke again. I suddenly realized that it was because I was coming to terms with the fact that: this is now life. In the last year, it's kind of been "new". You know, it's only been a couple/few months... it's fresh, so it doesn't seem real. We were still dealing with settling his estate, there were constant reminders around. Yesterday apparently cemented in my mind that he's gone. It's been a year, and I really do have to learn how to deal with life without my Daddy/my friend.

Everything still seems so clear. Like it was hours ago. And this could be why the nurse kept asking/telling people to get me to leave the room more often than I was (hardly at all) in those last days. To scar me less, maybe? But I wouldn't have done it any differently. Even when I left so his friends/family/church family could have their time with him, I was ready to be back in the room with him. Those last few days I barely let go of his hand. We had Pandora playing and sang to him. The times I was in the room alone with him, I would talk to him in between singing. I wanted him to know we were there. I had "conversations" with him, just because I knew how he would respond if he could. Or maybe I was making him "respond" how I wanted him to... which he'd tell you was probably more accurate. The one day I asked him if he could wake up so we could sing Love Shack on karaoke and his thumb squeezed against my hand would be a good example of this (he hated singing that song and made sure I knew it, but always did it for me - his squeeze was his sign of protest). But the main reason I couldn't leave: I wanted to be there for him like he's always been there for me. I couldn't heal him. I couldn't take his pain. But I could be there to support/comfort him, as he had done for me so many times over the years. 

The people that tell me "time heals" clearly must have years under their belt, or are a lot stronger than me. I miss coming home and him singing to Allie (while I walked in the door) "Who can it beeeeeeeeee now?" I miss watching The Walking Dead with him, and him making fun of me the next day for every time I freaked because they got a little TOO close to killing Daryl Dixon. I miss going and watching Eddie & Debbie sing at Neil's with him/our friends. More than anything, and something I don't see myself ever getting over, I miss singing with him. Whether it were karaoke, at church, random songs we'd burst into when something on TV/someone said would trigger a song in our heads. 

I used to always tease him for the "wrong" things he gave me. Crazy bad eyesight, big feet, bad knees, etc etc etc. And he'd tell me that he used to be sane, then Liz cracked the wall of sanity, and I came barreling through. To which I'd respond first "Whatever. I think I could get accounts from your family proving otherwise." and then telling him all of the "bad" was balanced out by the fact he gave me a lot of my personality. I'm loud, silly, and many times what some would see as crazy. He called me his dramatic child. Because I may or may not have had moments of drama over the years. *places hand over entire family's mouth* But what he saw as drama, I saw as an extension of him. Problem is, when you put that personality into a female... :-). So he gave me some of my personality, my writing passion (hence the reason I'm expressing my emotions tonight through words), and my love of singing. Then of course I got lucky enough to have Mama give me the love of everything else artistic. Drawing, painting, sewing, etc. Between the two of them, I have so much potential. One day... haha.

I feel like this a good point to come to a close. We're all smiling (or at least, I am) and I hope that will get easier and easier to do as time passes. I miss you, Daddy. Heaven's choir is the best it's ever been. I promise to keep singing. 

All my love, 

Tater