Anxiety: A Blessing and a Curse

 I tell people all the time, anxiety is a blessing & a curse. The last two days were blessing days. These are the days where it presents a little more like ADHD/OCD, with a side of "it has to be done now, or you're a failure in life". 

I know that doesn't sound like a blessing, but allow me to explain (also, this may not be in the exact order it played out, but it sums everything up).

~We bought a new dresser for our bedroom, which led me to move the entertainment shelf that was in our bedroom to the basement.
~That led to me moving the little table we had in the basement holding the cable box back to the living room as a drink table for the leopard chair.
~Which led to me changing out the coasters in the living room to more theme-appropriate ones (this is our music room, so now we have music coasters).
~This led to me realizing I could empty a box in our dining room (just off the living room) that's been sitting in there for 3 years, because the stuff in it needed to be on the basement entertainment shelf/in basement storage.
~Once I moved that stuff to the basement, I emptied the dryer (also in the basement) of all the towels, and headed back up to the bedroom. Folded and put all of the towels in the linen closet in our en suite.
~All bed linens that were in the top of our linen closet (which is very awkwardly built, you kind of have to angle stuff under the door frame to get it onto the shelf), I moved into the dresser, where they're more easily reached. This also required me to learn to properly fold a fitted sheet, because I always look up the best way to fold things to maximize space.
~That allowed me to move things on the floor of the closet up to the top shelf.
~Which prompted me to decide to unpack the two big boxes that have been on the floor of the closet since we moved in.
~That led to me creating a trash pile, so I started a garbage bag.
~Which led to me gathering all of the trash from the rooms upstairs, and changing the litter box.
~While emptying said boxes, I freed up a 3-drawer organizer that was perfect for all of the loose hardware we have around the house, AND let me use my new label maker again!
~That allowed me to empty/sort several ziplock bags of said hardware + misc. stuff that had been bagged up during the flood.

All of that, on top of doing my regular everyday kitchen cleaning (it's my morning meditation) both days, and 2 loads of laundry (plus cooking 3 times each day, AND making a batch of tortillas and pitcher of sweet tea). 

None of this is to brag/look for praise, but more because I feel like we always look at downside of our mental struggles, and don't often celebrate our strengths/accomplishments that come from how our brains are wired.

Sidenote: I said a while ago I was going to try and blog more, and you see how that panned out, but don't be fooled by my published blogs. I've written several. Two are still sitting in drafts, waiting for the day I decide to publish or delete. The others have been deleted for fear of judgement, or because I just changed my mind about what I wanted to say. I might just not be built to be a regular blogger. Maybe once I settle in to a more regular routine... but that's a blog for another day. 😉

We Must Be Up Inside the Cyclone

 One of these days, I'm gonna get back to blogging about shoes. Today is not that day.

So, it's funny my last blog was about finishing a renovation, and completing a dream inside our new home. Now, it's all upside down. Let me catch up those of you not connected to us on social media, whether you're a follower of my blog, or a complete stranger that's just stumbled upon this Katybug world.

On Wednesday, I was working on laundry in the guest room - which is in the basement - folding towels. While doing so, I decided to sort through the box of linens that we'd moved into the closet while doing the never-ending task of unpacking/arranging a new home (we're in just over a year, now). As I got deeper into the box, I noticed stuff was feeling damp. The first couple items I thought, well maybe they're just 'cold' from being down here now that the weather is changing. As I got to the bottom few items, it was clear they were definitely wet. I pulled the last blanket out, and saw the bottom of the box was soaked through. Dread set in. I pulled the empty box out of the closet, and saw the carpet soaked through. There wasn't much left in the closet, but I pulled the rest of it out, and that's when I saw the water damage/mildew on the walls/closet door. I knew we were looking at a possible/likely call to insurance.

Cut to 2 days, and multiple specialists later: it's bad. As it was said to us "Not what we would call a massive job, but it's not small." They haven't started yet to see how intense the work is actually going to be, but what we know:

The leak is from the dishwasher being installed improperly by the previous owner. Whether that was said owner, or a 'professional' (if it was, he doesn't deserve full quotes) that did the installation, we have no idea. The cabinetry in our kitchen is pretty heavy-duty. So much so, that the plates surrounding it trapped in the water from leaking to the kitchen, and it instead went into the walls, and downstairs to the basement. We may not ever know how long this has been going on, but they'll be able to tell us more once they start pulling up flooring and seeing how much water damage there is/how far it has spread. 

We're now in a holding pattern for all of the calls to be made, details to be finalized, and most importantly: asbestos test to be ran. Our house was built in the 70s. If there is asbestos, we for sure have to leave while they do all of the repairs. That could be a few weeks, it could be a few months. We literally will not know more until they start tearing our house apart.

We just bought this house a year ago. We never would have bought it if we knew this dishwasher install had been half-assed. It breaks my heart to say that, because I LOVE our house, but why would we buy a house over our planned budget if it wasn't perfect (it was, and that's why we did.)? We've seen several comments/questions about us not getting the house inspected properly: we did. Whether the inspector should have caught this, I don't know. Again, we're in a year and the water damage has just shown up, so how do you expect the inspector to know? Maybe she should have crawled under the counter and inspected the clamp? I doubt that's any inspector's process, but who knows. I'd imagine they look for a leak/signs of water damage, and move on. I can tell you our inspector was over the top meticulous with her walk-through, and the things she noticed (we were there for the entire thing), so I can't imagine this is her fault. Not being an expert, I have no idea. I just know it's not ours, and here we are paying the price. 

Our reality is unknown right now. I think I've been fairly open about my anxiety on this blog, but just in case I haven't, and for new readers, I struggle with it daily. I am UBER high-functioning anxiety. I will break myself before I let anyone know something is wrong. I need to make everyone happy, I need everything to be as perfect as I can make it, I need to show everyone how amazing I am: ALL OF THESE, AT ALL TIMES. On the flipside, what no one sees - for the most part - are my private (in a bathroom stall, sneaking into an empty room, etc.) anxiety moments. I do not do well with the unknown. It causes me to overthink everything, I get short of breath, I start to panic (depending on the situation), I get shaky, etc. 

So, here we are. I'm blogging this in my "perfect" calm house. 

My brain is in overdrive. First and foremost are my children. Gus is a 19-year-old cat. Everything in my being wants to keep his everyday exactly as he knows it. Minus our current situation, I told Steve for years: once we moved to Canada, I wanted to hold off on any other changes. Gus has lost his Grandpa, 2 siblings, gained a sister, and moved to Canada in 4 years. An old man deserves some calm, and he hasn't had it for years. Harvey (our 11-year-old cat) will be loud and dramatic about any change we throw at her. It will make me sad, as her Mommy, because I am overprotective, but I also know she's a bit dramatic (I don't know where she gets it from), so I'll get her through it. 

People keep saying "at least you'll get". The "gets" are yet to be determined, but while I hope we'll be thrilled with the end results, most of them have no clue what it's like to be forced to renovate. We've wanted it, yes, but who would ever say: "You know what? I'm redoing this house tomorrow. I've not consulted anyone, or thought about my choices, or discussed any of the process, but YAY RENOVATION!" Again, as an anxious person... I want time to plan/think things through.

It's all going to work itself out, I know. I'm going to do my best to stay calm and positive through this process, however long and painful it's going to be. Right now though, I just need it all to get started, because the unknowns are driving me out of my mind.